Keys of The Kingdom 8 - Wives, Submit

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. — 1 Peter 3:1-7

One of the hardest things any of us can do is submit to another person—and Scripture calls Christian wives and husbands to a beauty the world cannot understand.

A Cultural Battle Over the Bible

Gender equality is the ruling mantra of 21st-century American society. It didn't begin in this century, but it has become one of the loudest cultural issues of our day, beginning decades ago with the desire to dissolve the gender gap and level the playing field. And in that push, Public Enemy Number One is what they see as the archaic, antiquated, and obsolete teachings of the Bible.

Pay attention to the news media and commentary programs, and this is the target. They quote these words—"wives, submit to your husbands"—and say, "You can't be serious." A loud, well-funded group looks at this and says it was written by men, preached by a male-dominated clergy to a male-dominated culture, and it's 2,000 years old. We've progressed far beyond it. Ironically, "We're not going to take it anymore" was sung by a group of guys with long curly hair and makeup called Twisted Sister.

If you believe the Bible today, you are looked at as insane for holding this as divinely inspired truth from God. Maybe you're here as a skeptic, convinced this can't be truth. A growing and loud segment of people in our day says we have to cast off this kind of thinking.

There Is a Gender Gap—But the Bible Is Not the Problem

Let me be clear: there is a gender gap. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. It is real in our nation, real in other nations, real throughout history. Most cultures and societies have been patriarchal, and unfortunately many of those systems have produced inequality between men and women. We should agree that the gender gap should be leveled and dissolved—there should be equality between genders.

But when people say the problem is the Scriptures, those of us who believe the Scriptures need to call time out. The United Nations has researched the gender gap nation by nation, often represented on a world map with a spectrum of colors—dark green where there is more equality and a smaller gap, dark red where there is none and the gap is largest. You don't have to be very intelligent to notice that the green nations, where equality is greatest, are nations that have been influenced by the Bible. That should tell you something.

So this word written by Peter, also uttered by Paul—"wives, submit to your own husbands"—belongs in that framework. Where the gospel and the Word of God have gone, gender equality has increased and the gender gap has lessened. That is provable; the data supports it.

The Bible Teaches the Equality of All Humanity

The teachings of Jesus and His early followers promote the freedom and equality of women—actually, of all people. From Genesis to Revelation the Bible promotes the intrinsic equality of all humanity. Our own founding doctrine says all men are created equal—and "men" there means humanity. All human beings, male or female, are created by God as equals.

In the first chapters of the Bible, it becomes clear that in the eyes of God, man is incomplete without woman. That's not just a romantic saying—it's biblical. Man is incomplete without a helper comparable to him: not under him, not over him, but comparable. Even the language God chose reveals this. He took woman from man's side and brought her to him, so that they would stand side by side in this union as equals.

Why, then, does the Old Testament often show women subjugated by men? Understand that the Bible reports the facts of a fallen world; it does not endorse them as the way things should be. God created us as equals.

Equality Is Not Sameness

But—and you knew there was one coming—the Bible also teaches an important significance in the uniqueness of the sexes. The modern gender equality movement wants us to accept that men and women are entirely the same other than anatomy, and that anatomy can be changed medically so you can be whatever you want to be.

But you already inherently know better. God created man male and female, and the differences are more than anatomical. Any parent of boys and girls knows this. Before they can even string a sentence together, you can see maleness and femaleness. I have two boys and two girls. My sons picked up a Barbie and turned it into a sword or a gun. My daughters turned Transformers—even ones with guns—into a mommy and daddy in a house. There's something there, and it's more than anatomy.

The intrinsic equality and inherent dignity of men and women does not equal total sameness. There are differences God created for His glory and His purpose. The mass of gender confusion we are seeing today is a direct outgrowth of diminishing the uniqueness of the sexes. Tell people there is no difference, and everything within them says, "No, there is a difference"—and you get gender confusion.

Reading the Text in Context

So if the Bible teaches the equality of humanity, how do we reconcile Peter's and Paul's teaching that wives should submit to their own husbands? That is the question a world committed to rejecting what God instituted keeps asking. Our culture is against it because, the Bible says, it is under the sway of the wicked one, who wants to destroy everything God made to represent His glory. Paul tells us in Ephesians 5 that marriage is a picture through which God wants to glorify Himself—a beautiful picture of the relationship He desires with His creation. So the enemy comes to disrupt and destroy it.

We must admit honestly that some people over the last 2,000 years have sadly tried to use these very passages to press down women and other groups. The Bible does not allow that whatsoever, as we will see. The only way to understand 1 Peter 3:1 is in context—and the chapter and verse numbers, added much later, can muddy that. Originally this was one continuous flow of thought, a letter.

Read that way, 1 Peter 3:1-6 does not sit alone. It is part of a larger section on submission. Two weeks ago we saw the call to submit to human government. Last week we saw the call of employees to submit to those over them. Here we find another exhortation: wives, submit to your own husbands.

We Are Equals, Yet Called to Submit

Those over us—the governor, the boss, the husband—are our equals. They are not better, smarter, or higher in some class ranking. Class and caste systems are the result of human fallenness, not God's intention. The governor is equal to us; the boss is equal to us. And yet God calls us to yield ourselves and submit to those structures.

Why? Because when a person becomes a follower of God, they have a new Lord, Master, and King, and become part of a new kingdom that endures forever. Paul says in Philippians 3 that Christians are citizens of heaven. So do we no longer have to obey human structures? Jesus says no—you don't get to opt out. That's difficult, especially when those institutions oppose Scripture. We feel that "we're not going to take it anymore" rising up in us.

But Peter, inspired by God, writes to Christians living under such structures. Submit to human government, because as Paul says in Romans 13, those structures are ordained by God, and the ruler is a minister of God. Submit to your employer, as Paul says in Ephesians 6:5, as to the Lord—as if that person were Jesus. Imagine how different society would be if people actually did this. So in 1 Peter 2 we considered submission to government and to employers, and now this passage—which does not stand alone—adds: wives, submit to your own husbands, resting on the foundation of the equality of men and women.

The Call to Submission Is a Call to Christians

This submission is not forced. It is a calling God expects you to offer willingly. Here is the key: Peter is writing to Christians. If you are a follower of Jesus, your calling is to submit to earthly government, to your employer, and—if you are a wife—to your husband within the God-ordained relationship of marriage. The call to submission is a call to Christians.

The culture opposed to this does not read "wives, submit to your own husband." It reads "women, be subjugated to men." But that is not what the text says. Put a star next to "own husband." And note the words connected to submission here, in Ephesians 5, and in Colossians 3: honor and respect. Submission does not mean to be subservient, subjected, or placed low; it means to willingly offer honor and respect. The Scriptures do not teach that women are subservient to men. They teach that Christian wives are to honor and respect their own husbands—saying, "Though we are equals, I willingly recognize that you have a position God has framed."

So, point two: Christian wives are called to submit to their own husbands. An unbelieving society may call this insane, and if they're not followers of God, fine—but they will see marriage break down, and we have. For the Christian wife under the ordinance God created, the calling is to honor and respect her own husband.

Why Should a Christian Wife Submit?

First, God is the Creator of marriage. Marriage is not a framework man built; God instituted it when He joined man and woman as one flesh. Since He created it, He has the authority to define it and to say how it is to be lived. He calls the wife, an equal, to be in rank under her husband and to honor and respect him.

It's like the company that makes this phone. They say, "Here is how you should use it, and how you should not." If I say, "I want to use it in the shower," they say, "Okay, but that's not how we made it to work—it'll break and the warranty is void." God, the Creator of marriage, says the same: follow the owner's manual and it works; ignore it and it won't. Society says, "We're not going to do what the manual says," and God says, "Okay—warranty void." Then we come into the office for help, and the diagnosis is, "You didn't follow the manual." Why don't we want to? Because our nature hates submission.

Second, submission of Christian wives is honorable to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." The same phrase governs submission to government and to employers. This reveals that submission is a form of worship. When I willingly honor those over me—in government, employment, or marriage—it is worship to God, because this is a command to Christians living as sojourners in a world that is not their eternal home.

A Witness to an Unbelieving Husband

Third, submission of a Christian wife is a witness to an unbelieving husband. Verse 1 says wives are to be submissive so that even husbands who do not obey the word may "without a word" be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe that conduct "accompanied by fear." We read "fear" as terror, but the original idea is reverence and respect. So a believing wife should honor and respect her husband even if he is not a believer, so that her witness might be the very thing that brings him to Jesus. Since this is not a natural value in our society, it is a huge witness when a wife genuinely honors her husband.

This was a real first-century problem. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul writes to Christian wives who figured that, since their husbands weren't believers, the marriage was null and void and they could leave. Paul says no—you get to be a witness to your husband through your respect. No, you're not inferior to him. No, he's not better than you. No, he may not deserve it. No, it won't be easy. Yes, it honors God. Yes, it takes hard work. And yes, he will notice.

Beauty That Does Not Fade

How does it take hard work? Verse 3: do not let your adornment be merely outward—the arranging of hair, the wearing of gold, the fine clothes—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, very precious in the sight of God. The clear sense is this: a Christian wife should spend at least as much time, attention, and resources adorning the inward person of the heart as she does the outward person of the flesh.

Notice Peter does not say don't adorn yourself. He says your adornment should not merely be outward. Get your hair done, your nails done, wear nice clothes—but put at least as much energy into the inward person, because that beauty is incorruptible. Physical beauty fades; it's like milk—it spoils, curdles, and smells, and no amount of plastic keeps it from showing eventually. But spiritual, inward beauty is like fine wine; it gets better with age. This body isn't going to heaven, so give the heart at least as much effort. Submissive behavior requires tremendous effort. It is not easy to submit to a government you disagree with, to an employer who's harsh, or—even with a kind husband—for a wife to submit. It takes real work, and it may have eternal consequences.

A Sign of Holiness

Peter gives an example in verse 5: in former times, the holy women who trusted God adorned themselves—outwardly, yes, but also inwardly—by being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, "whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror." So submissive behavior is a sign of holiness. Their holiness was evidenced in their submissiveness, even when their husbands were dopes.

And read Genesis—Abraham was pretty dopey sometimes. He told his beautiful wife, "We're going into this town, and they'll kill me because you're so attractive, so tell them you're my sister." And he did it twice. You'd think he'd learn. But we don't learn—it takes us a hundred times to admit a bad decision.

Husbands, Dwell With Understanding

Then we reach verse 7, and all the ladies say, "Thank God." Husbands, likewise—in the same manner—dwell with your wives with understanding, giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

The ladies notice verse 7 is much shorter—34 words, compared to 131 in verses 1-6. Why? Because guys need simple instructions. You can tell a daughter, "Go up, brush your teeth, make your bed, get dressed, come for breakfast," and she does it. With boys, you give one step at a time. My best man, Mark, who loves PowerPoint, once showed a picture: women's side covered in dials, buttons, and gauges; men's side, a single light switch—on, off.

So when it says, "Dwell with them with understanding," those five words are harder than the 131 words are for a wife. Has any husband ever truly succeeded? I've been married ten years and I understand my wife no better than I did. Wives don't accord to the scientific method—you can do the same thing, the same way, with the same words every day, and get a different outcome. I don't get it, but I sure love her.

Honor, Respect, and Equal Standing

This takes real effort. Husbands, work to become experts about your wives. It's hard, because God designed your wife in a far more intricate way than He made you, and that intricacy takes time to learn. To be an understanding husband takes time.

He also says, "Giving honor." You probably vowed to love, honor, and cherish your wife. Interestingly, the Greek word for honor here is timē—transliterated t-i-m-e. It has no actual link to "time," but here's the truth: you show honor by giving your time. You understand fantasy football, an engine, or your computer because you spend time on them. You'll never understand your wife unless you spend time trying.

Third, give honor "as to the weaker vessel"—respect that your wife is fragile, easily broken. Some of the most valuable things in our society are fragile, and you honor your wife's value by recognizing she can be broken. We bumbling husbands break our wives' hearts constantly, so, Lord, help us.

Fourth, remember your wife is a co-heir of the grace of life. You are equals. She is not lower or less than you. Do not lord your authority over her. If you ever say, "Wife, submit," trying to force your authority, here's what you instantly reveal: you don't understand her, you don't honor her, you don't respect her fragility, you don't value her as an equal—and you will never gain respect that way. If you come into my office and say, "My wife isn't doing what she's supposed to, I told her to submit," I'm just going to want to smack you, because it proves you don't value or understand her.

Spiritual Consequences

Failing to live as a husband who understands and honors his wife has spiritual consequences. The end of verse 7 says: dwell with them with understanding, giving honor, as heirs together of the grace of life, "that your prayers may not be hindered." Not doing this hinders your prayers.

I make full confession: this is impossible in my flesh. Wives, it is impossible to honor and respect your husband without the grace of life in your heart. Husbands, it is impossible to dwell with your wife in this way without the work of God in your life. But this is the call to Christians living in this world. It is honorable to God, and it is a witness to a world that has no clue how to do it—it will blow their minds when they see us try. So God, give us grace to do it.

Closing Prayer

Father, thank You for the power and presence of Your Spirit in our lives. I cannot, without Your presence by Your Spirit, accomplish any of this—submission to government, to employer, within marriage. It's impossible. Lord, help us. We confess our weakness today. Help us to be lights in a dark world by the way we live, honoring You. We ask this in Jesus' name. And now may the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God the Father, the fellowship of His Holy Spirit, and the empowering of His Spirit be with you all as you go from here this week. And everyone who agreed said amen.